When the Shine Wears Off

What do you do when they shine has worn off?! Guatemala is still gorgeous, it does look like I’m on vacation, and there are so many wonderful things to explore, but it’s still life here. The last two weeks have been a slow cracking under a mountain of micro stresses that came to a head when I got a terrible haircut! Of all the things to send me into an ugly cry and want to go home it was a pretty poor haircut, and if you truly know me you know my hair holds my vanity, that’s my truth. 

I tried to prepare myself for days like these last two weeks, but I’m not sure there was any way to prepare for some of this. I needed someone to come look at my water at my house and the appointment was made for 10 am on a Friday afternoon, the man showed up at 3:30 pm like that was when we were supposed to meet, no big deal. I, on the other hand, had to move a meeting for work to a virtual meeting because I couldn’t leave the house. I spent days trying to buy a car and after multiple issues we had an appointment set and one hour before I was supposed to buy the car the man texted that he sold it to someone else. The emotional stress of having to find a new car and go through the process again was emotionally exhausting and I was shocked at how I felt about it all. 

It’s harder than I was expecting. I think I was expecting a few big meltdowns and that would be it. I don’t think I expected a relatively decent day-to-day that contained simple things leaving me feeling emotionally and mentally drained. Feeling emotionally ok at times, but I wake up and my jaw won’t shut normally all of a sudden. There have been times I was afraid my brain was shutting down, but then someone shared with me a list from a book they read about transitioning to a different culture and how our bodies process stress. Foggy brain, poor decision making, and TMJ are all on the list! TMJ is apparently why I couldn’t close my bite correctly and have had to find ways to help repair it. Thankfully, even in that people have offered helpful advice that I have applied. 

If I’ve learned anything in the last few weeks, it is that this is not for the faint of heart. It cost a lot getting here: my friends, my family, my stuff, my comfort, my regular paycheck, but it continues to cost me to stay here. I’m willing to count it, but I think I thought I would count that one cost in  moving here and then many things would just become “fixed” because I had been obedient and this was the next breakthrough in my life. So, why wouldn’t the things I’ve been waiting to iron out that I knew this season would just miraculously be answered, or solved, or completed? Life is still life and who you are and what God is working in and through your life is still there. Moving doesn’t take away all those things, it’s only changed them and added new stuff. 

I knew God was sending me to learn about things, but I think there was a real belief in me that He would just hand it to me. Isn’t it funny how haughty we can be when it comes to the Father when His truths don’t change. He says seek and keep on seeking, not count this cost and you’ll never need to seek me again… But I do think in that seeking He’s teaching me to have grace for myself. I thought I was good at offering that to myself, but I am learning that I’m not. Honesty, I’m a little depressed in this transition, it’s hard. I don’t want to leave, but I’d like to go home for the weekend, get my haircut by my girl who KNOWS WHAT SHE’S DOING, and basically say yes to God but not have to carry my cross. 

I don’t have that luxury though, I gave my yes and His grace continues to sustain me. I asked for this, I wanted the adventure, but there’s grace to remember that the cross was heavy, He knows, He carried it first. It’s uncomfortable, people stare at you like you’re crazy, and it’s not a stumble free carry; again, He knows. He carried it first. 

So, I’ll keep carrying. I know people are praying for me. I know people are encouraged by what I said yes to and I need them to be because I can’t do this alone. It’s too hard. I can’t raise funds on my own, I can’t cope with this on my own, I can’t build at the ministry on my own, and I was never meant to. I needed you to know the truth though, I can’t come here and present an Instagram pretty life when it’s raw and real and much like being in VA. It’s an injustice to His full goodness and perfect will for our lives - to not show Him in the fullness of His grace in the hype of the highlands and loneliness of the lowlands. That God is still real, still asking me to go beyond what I’ve already done, and the Bible is still true in Guatemala as it is in America. Thanks for going with me, being a partner, helping me get here, stay here, and grow here. This community we are building together in this call to go, is life and leads me to believe more and more in the power of the body and how we are really meant to be. 

Pray that I see the people I’m here to serve better, to see who is supposed to be a blessing to me and I’m open to allow them to be that. Pray that all this truth and honestly will move the body and this is bigger than me somehow and it’s leading us all more to Jesus. That’s the end goal anyway right, to see Jesus and know him more?

Cats, Hamsters, Butterflies, and Quarantine

Well, now that the cat’s out of the bag, Guatemala became very real, very quickly last week. It was exciting to tell the world, but then it meant that I was moving to another country. As if my plane ticket and AirBnB reservation weren’t “real” enough. This week I had a lot of conversations with Angela, with This is Vida. It dawned on us that I would probably need to quarantine for two weeks upon my arrival in the country. They will get my groceries and leave them at the AirBnB and I will spend my first two weeks hanging out in my room. Guys, that’s 14 days all by myself. Real talk, I’ve NEVER spent two solid weeks alone in my entire life. I’m an extrovert, I hate being in the house alone too long, let alone being INSIDE THE SAME SPACE FOR 14 DAYS! Even on sick days, I typically need to at least drive to the 7-11 just to get out of the house for a few minutes. 

My initial internal reaction was dramatically, maybe I shouldn’t go after all? But then I thought, what in the world would I do instead?! The other downside of this is an additional two weeks in an AirBnB is nearly the equivalent of a month’s rent. I got over both of those circumstances, but still was tied up in thoughts of leaving. I had told the world now but not my boss. So I had to work that out too. I think the hardest part of this transition in letting the life changes Covid has brought carry over in all areas of my life and not being frustrated at its impact. I didn’t expect Covid to still be impacting my transition in September when I was making plans in March. I didn't think that I would have to consider sitting in an AirBnB with Winston for two weeks until I could get started in establishing my life in a new country. It also eliminated my hope of someone coming with me for the first two weeks to help with the transition. 

There are many things I could be distracted with in this season of transition. It truly is a challenging time, exciting for sure, but challenging. I’ve cried a lot, I have butterflies in my belly when I think about leaving, I feel isolated from people in a unique way and I get scared that I will be so lonely that I find myself striving in things now out of anticipation of that fear. I’m trying to learn not to let those things get in my way, I can run on these hamster wheels of fear and uncertainty or I can sit down, take a deep breath, and rest. Sometimes, I spend so much time trying to make something happen for myself that I make matters more frustrating for myself. I can’t control a virus, I can’t make the president open up borders, I can’t avoid sitting in a room for two weeks, but I can control how I approach each of these circumstances. I can trust the plan that was put into motion two years ago when I looked at my friend and said, “Let’s go on one of these trips,” is still moving forward, still on time, and still perfectly laid out to accomplish all it was supposed to. 

The beauty I’m seeing in inviting my world into all of this is the support from others; the expressed connection and support to the adventure. So many times in my life people would say they just didn’t understand my life choices - how I had such wanderlust, but this time, this life choice has been met with resounding excitement and support. It is as if this one just clicks for people and it makes sense to them. Not that I need my life to “make sense” to anyone, but to have the people in your world resound with you is nice. It encourages and reminds me community is important, they spur us on and those that don’t...just let those go. 

Holy Crap, I’m moving to Guatemala.

Remember that scene in Lion King when the hyenas were repeating Mufasa’s name and shuttering? That’s how I feel every time I say out loud that I’m moving to Guatemala. When I visited on a five day mission trip two years ago with my work, I was just excited about going somewhere new and where it wasn’t illegal to openly be a Christian and minister to others. I sat at a table within the first 24 hours of being in the country with our short term team lead Angela and her husband Miguel (they are a very important part of this story - remember them) starts waxing philosophical about the draw and seduction of Guatemala. I remember thinking, That’s a nice sentiment, wonder who that is for? 

In May I earned my Masters in Strategic Communications. Originally, I’d gone to grad school to become a professor. About half way through the program, I knew I was never going to be a professor - I was going into full time ministry. WHAT THE? Ministry? Ok so, I figured a nonprofit was my direction. I had this degree coming and years of corporate experience, I’d run a small business with a small staff rather successfully, and I was up for something that was meaningful. I could take a director level position or write some grants, something. I also knew my time in Virginia Beach was coming to an end. I had suffered a few deep disappointments and overall, it just felt like my life was drying up here, so I was open to a change in scenery and a MUCH larger salary. I spent the remaining three semesters in school figuring out what was next. 

We tend to gather at my brother’s place for thanksgiving and last year I was going to forgo that trip. It had been a rough fall and for various reasons it seemed a better choice to stay home. As a last minute decision I decide to go to Dallas for a few days to celebrate the holiday with my family. My first morning in Dallas, I was scrolling through my social media and found out that Angela and Miguel were visiting Dallas as well and we were only 12 miles from each other. What are the odds? From Virginia Beach to Antigua, Guatemala and we’re 12 miles from each other?! We met up at a Starbucks and for three hours shared so many things and changes in our lives including, their plan to branch out from their current ministry and start their own. They were planning on launching a ministry that would build community in two specific villages outside of Antigua. It was a refreshing conversation and I was excited to hear of what they were doing. But from that point on Guatemala was on the table, way off where someone would have to pass it to me - on the table, but on the table all the same. 

I slowly narrowed my pursuits and by a million weird coincidental happenings, I had Australia, North Carolina, and Guatemala on the table as possible life options. By February I was really starting to feel the pressure, wondering which was the right choice for me and facing an approaching move out of my current residence. Finally, the first weekend of March I got some clear direction and it was simply that I could choose whatever I wanted. And to my personal shock and awe, I chose to serve as a full time missionary in Guatemala with Miguel and Angela’s new ministry This is Vida. 

Then a week later, the whole world shut down! 

I’m still making plans to move and as of yesterday the State Department opened international travel for America. Guatemala remains closed for any air travel whatsoever and is only allowing residents and citizens over land borders. I’m eager to get to Guatemala though, and help build community with these villages. 

So, what is that going to look like? 

Well, I’m glad you asked. Winston and I are currently booked on a flight on September 17th. I have committed to a year with the ministry and am really looking forward to this adventure. We will check into an AirBnB in the city of Antigua, for two weeks, while Angela and Miguel help me get an apartment, a car, bank account, groceries, a phone, all the things needed to establish oneself in a new country. Whew, just writing that gives me butterflies. 

This is a unique opportunity for me. If you know me even a little, missions have been a huge part of my Christian walk, it’s where I found Jesus for the first time and I have been able to participate in 17 trips total in four countries. Somewhere along the road I forgot about these dreams I had of going on the mission field full time, but low and behold, God didn’t. So here I venture. 

The best thing is I need you to do it with me. I need you to come down and visit; see what we are doing, be a part of the work, and help us establish these villages in community and love. Pray for the work we are doing, pray for relationships, and supplies to help meet physical basic needs like clean water and safe cooking stoves. Partner with me financially. I am unable to work for a salary in the country due to visa restrictions so all my work is support funded. I have been ordained and accepted through the Commission Ministers Network to provide spiritual covering and the tax covering I need to raise tax-deductible funding for my time living in Guatemala. So, this site will allow monthly pledges to be set up and auto drafted once a month. Then at the end of the year they will send out the needed paperwork to donors for their taxes. I’m grateful for their help and their covering. 

I’ve had to figure out how to eat the elephant of funding. The monthly goal is the average of what I’ve always needed to raise just for one trip, now to do that monthly, in an environment where churches no longer sponsor missionaries...how in the heck was this going to happen? And like they always say, one bite at a time. My monthly need is $3300, I know whoa! But if 125 people pledged $20 a month it would be a $240 annual commitment, but combined would equal $2,500 of the monthly goal leaving less than $1000 for larger donors and corporate sponsorship. So, that’s what I’m hoping for. Would you please consider being a $20 a month pledge donor? I understand times are challenging and not everyone can. Lump sums are just as meaningful and helpful, and even $5 a month is meaningful to the bottom line and generous. You can find all links under the links page or by clicking here.

I will be keeping all things posted on this blog - videos, pictures, stories, visits, all of it here. So please bookmark the site for my weekly posts. I hope to have you join my community, because we need it and if we’ve learned anything through this weird time in life is that community is just as powerful online as it is in person. I love you, and I’m excited to share in this adventure with you.